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SMD 22

 “What about Julian?”

“Why was he crying?” “No, Your Grace, what on earth...?” This episode is important. At the banquet, two meetings take place, and Ian Langerster develops a slight affection and curiosity for Julian. However, Ian left alone much sooner than expected. “Answer me, Summer Lindsey!” “Why are you getting angry?” Summer found it hard to understand Ian. His eyes seemed ready to burst into flames, yet they were colder than ice. No matter how she thought about it, his reaction was excessive. “Tell me what happened.” “I did cry, but nothing happened.” “Does it make sense to cry when nothing happened?” “Maybe it was because the night sky was so beautiful.” It was true that the banquet hall, the night atmosphere, and Russell's kindness were all so beautiful that it brought tears to her eyes, so she wasn’t lying. But Ian Langerster was convinced that Summer's words were a lie. “If nothing happened, then why!” “Your Grace.” “......” “I don’t know what kind of wounds you carry. But the person who hurt you and I are different. So please, stop worrying about it.” Summer's gaze was clear and firm. Unbeknownst to her, that only provoked Ian further. Just looking at Summer was now painful for Ian. At the same time, it was painful not to see her. When that memory began to resurface with all its sensations. “Do you really not know anything about my mother?” Summer frowned slightly. No, it was Julian, whom she met as a child, who embraced that wound and made her fall in love, and that’s why he has been searching for her until now as an adult. When reading, she had completely immersed herself in Julian, so she didn’t particularly remember Ian Langerster’s story. To Summer, Ian Langerster was the one who troubled Julian while also being the one Julian loved. That was as far as it went. “I don’t know. Please don’t say anything. I’m not in a good enough state to take on someone else’s wounds.” Summer firmly held out her palm, drawing a line. A small ripple appeared in Ian Langerster's gray eyes. It was such a fleeting moment that Summer didn’t notice his agitation. “......I can’t let you die.” Ian, with a pained expression, spoke through gritted teeth, covering his face with one hand as if to hide it. Summer, who had been watching him impassively, turned her back on him. “I wasn’t trying to die. You won’t believe it, but.” What Summer said before leaving was painfully familiar to Ian. * * * I’m so tired of this. Lying in bed, I did nothing. Eating was a bother, and meeting with Pay was a bother. Even the original work I read without thinking annoyed me. The silly villains who played with food, Julian’s fate of having to endure countless hardships until the end, and my pathetic self who couldn’t help her at all. I didn’t want to see any of it anymore. Summer rolled her eyes, looking disheveled and unwashed. Sunlight flickered through the slightly parted curtains. As if entranced, Summer got up and pulled back the thick blackout curtains. “......” In the garden, beautiful flowers bloomed, and colorful butterflies fluttered above them. When she opened the window, a pleasantly cool breeze tickled her cheeks. The weather was warm and soft. The spring sunlight sparkled as it broke against the glass. The world was peaceful. As Summer quietly gazed outside, she impulsively pulled the bell cord. In came Daisy, wearing a worried expression. “Daisy. Help me get ready to go out.” “......Really?” “I must have worried you quite a bit.” Summer let out a weak chuckle. Daisy, hoping that Summer would change her mind, quickly grabbed her skirt and dashed down the hallway. The young lady got out of bed. Miss Summer finally got out of bed! The preparations for going out proceeded swiftly. Daisy brought in hot water and filled the bathtub, and as soon as Summer finished her bath, she dressed her in a lavender dress and adorned her hair with amethyst decorations. “You look so, so beautiful!” “Thank you.” “Have a good time!” Daisy waved her arms excitedly. Summer smiled slightly and waved back in greeting. Once again, the carriage set off smoothly. The same carriage. The same coachman. The middle-aged coachman, who looked to be over fifty, kept glancing back at Summer. “Is there something you want to ask?” Finally, as Summer quietly gazed at the scenery, she asked in a dull tone. The coachman, startled, tightened his grip on the reins and quickly shifted his gaze forward. “Oh, no! You just looked a bit tired today...” “Me?” “Yes. You seem different from when I first saw you, um, I’m sorry. I misspoke.” “It’s fine. Just, everyone said I looked better.” Didn’t Daisy just say she was finally up? But the coachman still scrutinized Summer with a serious expression. “Miss, when you’re feeling down, it might help to think of yourself as a child.” “A child.” Summer didn’t cut off or interrupt the coachman’s words. Perhaps it was more accurate to say she didn’t have the energy to snap at him about what he knew. Summer wasn’t feeling down. She was just annoyed and lethargic. But when the coachman said she looked tired, it suddenly became unbearably heavy. Or maybe it was more accurate to say she felt the weight of the gravity that had always pressed down on her. “Yes. Children often struggle to drink water or eat. But that struggle is completely natural. Our granddaughter used to spill water all the time. Yet she was proud of it, thinking it was only natural that she couldn’t do it well.” “......” The coachman’s expression gradually softened as he spoke, and soon the corners of his mouth lifted slightly. Can one be so happy just by thinking of their granddaughter? Summer recalled her parents’ faces back in South Korea. No matter how hard she thought, she couldn’t remember her parents’ names or faces. Just the voice that pretended to be kind, asking, “Are you eating well?” while trying to suppress their own struggles. But still, well, not just her granddaughter, Summer herself must have lived receiving someone’s love, attention, and care. It was just that her parents were a bit worn out from taking care of their daughter, who was late to find a job. Yes, tired. “How about starting over by spilling water from the beginning? Even if you spill water a thousand times, eventually you won’t spill it anymore.” As Summer stared intently at the coachman’s kind smile, she lightly asked. “How old is your granddaughter now?” ‘Is she around my age?’ Summer thought deeply, examining the coachman’s face closely. The coachman didn’t seem to be over sixty, so his granddaughter probably hadn’t reached adulthood yet. The coachman slowly wiped the smile off his face and cleared his throat. “If she’s still alive, she would be eighteen this year.” “......Oh, I’m sorry.” Summer mumbled an apology and lowered her gaze. Why are people so fascinated by the tragedies of others? That’s why there are so many tragedies throughout the works. No one would pay attention to a play that is calm, peaceful, and happy from beginning to end. Summer was no different. In stepping out of the happy Lindsey family, she found a cowardly interest in hearing this raw tragedy. “Please don’t apologize, Miss. I’ve just grown old and tend to say unnecessary things.” “No, I misspoke.” “Miss, have you ever thought about whether each moment was truly your choice?” “......” Summer didn’t answer. The coachman’s expression already provided an unexpected answer to that question. The coachman already knew. That Summer was now trying to squeeze out her last remaining strength to return to her original world. “Miss, our granddaughter, though it was called a choice, was not a choice. It was clearly a coercion by something.” “I’m different.” Summer stubbornly replied, lowering her gaze. What Summer intended to do was, in fact, an intention to try to live. Since she was trying to return to the original world outside the book, strictly speaking, she wasn’t trying to die. “When the phrase ‘there’s no choice’ comes up, it’s good to think again. Is this action truly a choice made by my own judgment?” “......” “Or is it a sense of powerlessness coming from an unchangeable world? Or perhaps it’s self-hatred that can be examined.” The coachman’s words swirled in her mind. It felt like she was going to throw up.