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LOS 15
I recognized the sound of military boots immediately and went out to greet him, wearing the brightest smile I could muster.
“Giles!”
But that day, the atmosphere was unusually strange. He called me by my fake name.
“Lily.”
Giles looked exceptionally haggard. He seemed angry, or perhaps disgusted by something. He glared at me, and I froze under his piercing gaze. I felt as though the moment had finally arrived.
Something had clearly happened. It might have been related to me. Since he said nothing, I couldn't be sure if I was now in danger.
To test him, I impulsively hugged him. He would either leave me be or push me away. Giles did not push me off, but he didn't say anything or hug me back.
I was desperate to get on his good side by any means necessary.
“I’m sorry, I was just so happy that you came again.”
It was a lie. Every time I heard the sound of those boots, my heart sank. I liked that he brought me food... but I had never once welcomed the man himself.
He asked in a voice as harsh as grating metal.
“...Would it be alright?”
“Pardon?”
“May I hug you?”
He was asking for my permission. I nodded for now. I couldn't exactly say no here. He reached out toward me, but in the end, he didn't embrace me.
“...Next time, I'll bring you a set of clothes.”
“You already gave me one.”
“Not that. Proper clothes.”
“I like this one; it's warm.”
I pulled the coat he had given me tighter around myself. I liked the coat, but I was afraid he might use clothes as an excuse to visit again.
Giles was in a foul mood that day. I had to cheer him up, but I couldn't think of what to do. Feeling terribly uncomfortable with him remaining silent, a shadow cast over his face, I made a suggestion.
“Giles, do you know how to play the piano?”
“A very long time ago.”
“So you've played before? I knew it. People with a deep appreciation for music show it in their eyes. I have a favor to ask... would you play the piano for me today?”
He seemed flustered, as if he hadn't expected me to ask him to play. However, I was the one who was more surprised. Giles did not refuse my request and sat down at the piano.
He began to play a very simple practice piece. Perhaps because it had been so long since he had touched a piano, his fingers fumbled over the keys.
Fearing he might snap at me for making him do something pointless, I sat beside him. I helped him by playing the main melody two octaves higher.
We played together. With my help, his playing improved slightly. Giles looked at me, and I reflexively smiled. It was the only way to stay in his good graces.
Giles's playing slowed down minutely. As if entranced, he leaned toward me. His lips touched mine. My mind went blank. Giles kissed me.
I had experienced a similar situation once before. A memory from the past flashed through my mind.
I knew it would end up like this someday.
...So it finally happened.
When I didn't respond, he seemed awkward and pulled away immediately.
It couldn't be helped... it was like trying to resist gravity. I had no other choice.
I hugged him and kissed him first. If this was what he wanted, I had no choice but to give it to him. If doing so meant I could survive, I would do anything.
I didn't want to be shot dead by his gun now. Nor did I want to be dragged off to prison. In my life, the closets and the space under the floorboards had been prison enough.
I knew. Giles Hessen was simply a shy Johann Meier. He must have approached me with this intention from the start.
There is no such thing as kindness without a reason in this world.
In the past, I had pushed Johann Meier to the floor and held a shard of a broken mirror to him. But this time, the situation was different. Sacrificing myself for others was unthinkable, but for my own survival, it was a different story.
My family lineage was not more important than my body.
However, my life took precedence over my body.
Giles wrapped his arm around my waist and kissed me frantically. I could feel his breathing becoming heavier. I braced myself. I thought that perhaps he would lift my skirt and expose himself. In fact, the probability was very high.
But Giles, who had been kissing me as if clinging to me, neither lifted my skirt nor lowered his zipper. At some point, he stopped kissing and simply held me, burying his face in my shoulder.
Then, he whispered incomprehensible words.
“Stay by my side. Just stay next to me. That's enough.”
If I had been the heroine of a radio drama, I would have been deeply moved by his confession and poured out all sorts of praising words. But while he couldn't see my face, I was breaking out in a cold sweat.
Next time, it won't end with just a kiss.
I got away with it today, but if he comes back tomorrow... I didn't know what would happen. Of course, I was prepared for anything, but...
I spent that night trembling. No matter if it was to save my life, I couldn't help being afraid. I had never been intimate with a man, and above all, the fear that a large man would treat my body like an object paralyzed my mind.
I stayed awake all night, believing he would definitely return. There was no way I could sleep. I didn't want to sleep. If I slept, tomorrow would begin, and then I would have to face Giles.
No matter how much I thought about it, I hated the idea of giving my body to another.
However, Giles did not immediately devour me. Since I had no way of knowing what he was thinking, even making eye contact was not easy. Every day felt like walking on a knife's edge.
I survived today, but there was no guarantee for tomorrow. Whenever he sat beside me and looked at me, I was terrified that he would start groping my thighs.
I spent every night trembling in fear, walking a tightrope of tension. Because he did nothing, I became even more afraid. It was because of the anxiety.
Why isn't he doing anything? What on earth is going on in that man's head? If he's not going to do anything, why does he keep visiting me?
Giles, who used to leave quickly, began to stay at the mansion longer and longer. Still, I couldn't complain. I had to act like a good child. That was the only way I could survive. So, I greeted him with a smiling face. Always.
Then one day, Giles's visits stopped abruptly. I was confused by his sudden disappearance. On the other hand, I was afraid. Was he preparing to bring the army to capture me?
Not knowing what to do, I just stayed still. But there was still no word from Giles. The next day, and the day after that. Even after a week, he did not come.
It was clear. This was an opportunity for me. I couldn't just sit and wait for time to pass. I decided to escape the mansion while Giles's visits had ceased.
When he visited every other day, I hadn't dared to do so because of the fear that I would be caught immediately. But now, it might be different.
Unlike before, I had gained weight, and I had enough strength to walk.
I walked blindly toward the path I knew. I had passed this way in a car once before. If you drive for about ten minutes, a small village appears. There were people there, and a train station.
Of course, I was in a position where I had nothing but my own body, but I had to move forward. I was the only one who could protect me. Therefore, I had to find courage.
The further I got from the mansion, the faster my pace became. This was the first time I had left the mansion on my own. Finally, my fate was in my own hands.
I think I smiled a little, feeling quite good about that fact.
I had to leave Salzburg before Giles found me.
I kept looking back as I walked, fearing that a black sedan might appear.
But he never showed himself in the end.
How would he act if he found out I was gone? He might be a bit annoyed. But he would forget me quickly. I was nothing more than a plain woman who could play a bit of piano. An officer like Giles must be surrounded by women; there was no reason for him to miss someone like me.
I had to believe that, at the very least.
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