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LOS 59
9.
To Beldam
I opened my eyes, gasping for air, like someone who had just returned from the brink of death. Then, someone stroked my hair and whispered.
“Lady, please rest a little longer. It is still the early hours of dawn.”
I shook my head, trying to speak incoherently.
“No, I... I don’t want to rest. I...”
“It’s alright. Everything is fine now.”
The consolation of the nameless woman was enough to make me close my eyes. As soon as I did, I sank beyond the barrier of reality.
Now, Giles was before my eyes. Giles Hessen. The man who had made me shudder in agony time and time again. Even now, it was the same. I was in pain because of Giles—so much so that crying out loud all day would not have been enough.
He held onto me and spoke.
“Anna, remember. If they know you are the one who brought me to Beldam, they will surely protect you. For I am the traitor most hated in Beldam. You have achieved something that even the Beldam Intelligence Agency could not. There is no reason for you not to be protected.”
No, I don’t want that. I don’t want to push you off a cliff just to survive.
I hate the thought of you dying miserably because of me.
“Tell the people of Beldam this: that Giles Hessen harbored a grudge against you and tried to kill you. Tell them you fled to the border to seek help. Say that the injury to your abdomen was all because of me.”
Why should I! Why should I tell such a despicable lie?
I screamed, but my words did not reach Giles, as if I were speaking to a protagonist in a movie.
“Never defend me. Do not take my side, Anna. I am a man hated by the entire nation. You must not get caught up in that.”
I hate this. You have no right to do this to me.
I will not lie.
I hope you don’t die. I hope you survive with me. Because...
“Go to Beldam and live. The things you were unable to enjoy will be waiting for you there. Please, live happily. No one there will try to hold you back.”
I still like you.
Don’t make me do something like that.
Giles shed tears. I saw for the first time that day that he, who was always stingy with his emotions, was truly grieving and weeping.
“Anna, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cause you pain. It’s just that I was deathly afraid of losing you. That is why I locked you away. And I justified it to myself by saying it was all for your sake. I’m sorry. In the end, I plunged you into a nightmare for my own sake.”
Save your apologies for later, Giles.
That doesn’t give you a reason to die.
I leaned into his embrace. Giles was trembling as he held me one last time. He was afraid, too. The death that Giles had struggled so hard to avoid was approaching.
“It’s okay. I am only now putting everything back to how it should have been. I will pay for my sins, and you... you will be happy there. I finally realize what I must do if I truly care for you. I should have let you go a long time ago. I should never have tried to keep you in my arms.”
I don’t want to throw stones at you.
Whether it is freedom or happiness... it shouldn’t be obtained by sacrificing a loved one.
Giles gave me his final farewell.
“You must be happy, Anna. Do not forget that I loved you.”
Just as I was about to answer him, Giles had already vanished without a trace. The moment I realized he was gone and would never return...
I woke up and opened my eyes.
The place where I lay was a very large and luxurious hospital room. Linen curtains, half-covering a large window, fluttered in the breeze, and the white marble walls were decorated with various oil paintings. On the table beside me was a vase carefully filled with tulips.
After lying still for a moment in the morning sunlight, a clear goal came to mind.
“Giles.”
I had to find Giles. I saw him collapse after being shot. But he couldn't have died yet. There was no way he was dead. I had to find him before it was too late.
The moment I tried to get out of bed, a nurse wearing a white apron entered the room carrying a tray of food. Upon seeing me, she smiled brightly and spoke.
“Lady, you’re awake. It’s perfect timing, as it was time for your meal.”
“Where are my clothes?”
“It’s alright. We have kept them safe without losing a single piece.”
“I don’t want the meal. I’m leaving.”
“Where are you planning to go?”
“There is someone I have to find. He, that person...”
“Ah, he is actually on his way here now. If you wait a little longer, you will meet him here soon. So please, calm down and eat. You must be hungry.”
The nurse gently sat me back down as I tried to leave the bed.
On the tray she brought were warm vegetable soup and a few large pieces of bread. As the nurse said, it was true that I was hungry. Even though I knew I didn't have time for this, I had no choice but to eat the soup.
The nurse looked at me with a satisfied expression.
“Lady Eloise Bismarck, you have suffered a great deal, haven't you? You can rest easy now. You have arrived safely in Beldam.”
“What did you say?”
I stopped scooping the soup with my spoon and looked at her.
“That’s right, this is Beldam. It’s hard to believe, isn't it?”
“That’s not it... what did you just call me?”
“Lady Eloise Bismarck. You are the head and heiress of the House of Count Bismar.”
While I was speechless, another person pushed open the hospital door and entered. He was a man I had never seen before. Dressed in a neat suit, he was a man entering middle age, and I thought he might hold a high rank. This was because the nurse immediately stood up and stepped aside the moment she saw him.
The man gave the nurse a single nod.
“You may leave now.”
The nurse left the room without a word. I was the only one who didn't know what was going on. Come to think of it, I didn't even know exactly where I had been moved to.
The man sat in the spot where the nurse had been and looked at me. Up close, he had a sharp impression. His gray eyes further intensified an aura that made him seem difficult to approach.
“Please eat without worrying about me. It will likely lose its taste if it gets cold.”
“Who are you?”
“I am from the Beldam Intelligence Agency. I am Arent Holtzman.”
“What business does someone from the Intelligence Agency have with me?”
“Did you not flee to the Beldam border because you wanted protection?”
At that moment, Giles's words overlapped in my mind. ‘Beldam will protect you.’ I had gained the right to live safely in Beldam at the cost of Giles's life. My consciousness, which had been scattered frantically like shards of broken glass, regained its order.
I had to act wisely. The choice was also mine.
Would I enjoy the peaceful life I had long desired? Or would I refuse to give up on Giles...?
What I wanted to know right now was where Giles was, what had happened to him, and whether he was even alive, but I wasn't sure if I could ask Arent.
I decided to approach cautiously.
“First, tell me exactly where this is.”
“You have been moved to the capital. This is the Schleswig National Hospital of Holstein. Since you seemed to have sustained severe injuries, we had no choice but to proceed with treatment first.”
“Holstein?”
“Yes, as I said, you are in the capital.”
“Then... where is Giles, Giles Hessen?”
“There is nothing to worry about. He will not be able to approach you anymore.”
I was terrified that he might be dead. I knew that people who are shot usually struggle to survive.
“Is he... dead?”
Arent did not answer immediately, but looked at me for a moment with inscrutable eyes. I felt anxious that the worry for Giles might have been visible in my eyes.
After a while, he answered. His expression and voice remained indifferent.
“I wish I could give you such news, but unfortunately, he is still alive. However, he has been detained in a secure location, so do not worry about Hessen any further. He has been isolated from the world. Perhaps that is a fortunate thing for Hessen as well. For it would be hard to find anyone in Beldam who does not hate him.”
“The fact that he is ‘still’ alive... does that mean you intend to kill him soon?”
“If a death sentence is handed down, then yes.”
At the very least, it meant that a decision on whether to kill or spare Giles had not yet been made. Giles would stand trial. However, I thought there was a high probability that he would receive a death sentence.
Albert had told me. That Giles would be a very good sacrifice and scapegoat to divert the anger toward a fallen nation.
But... what could I possibly do? I could do nothing for Giles. Even if I could go see him, I wouldn't even be able to show a hint of gladness.
My chest felt tight. Giles had gifted me a peaceful life, yet I could neither feel grateful nor happy.
I had literally obtained peace by offering him as a sacrifice. That was not right. Giles had saved my life twice, and although he had committed numerous wrongs against me, he had always wanted to express his love for me.
Freedom stained with the blood of such a person was meaningless.
Even if my body found freedom, my soul would scream in agony, forever bound by the heavy chains of guilt.
What I wanted was a freedom like a victory won by my own hands, not one achieved by sacrificing another. Never.
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