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LOS 76
“Must there be a justifiable reason?”
“You couldn't have loved him from the very beginning, could you? You described the days you spent with him as the most brilliant moments of your life. I want to know why you came to think that.”
I couldn't understand the question itself. Why did I have to justify the reason I loved him to someone else? It was a free emotion. It wasn't something established by logical causality or valid reasoning. It was like an emotion that suddenly seeps in like a rising tide while gazing at the horizon across the sea on a sunset day.
However, Luise didn't seem to be testing or probing me. Quite literally, she was curious about why I had come to love Giles.
I still couldn't wrap my head around the fact that a Major of the Beldam Army had visited just to pry into private emotions, but I had no choice but to speak.
“First, you must forget everything you read in the newspapers. Most of it is different from the truth. But you are right. I didn't love Giles from the start. In fact, at first, I hated him. At the same time, I feared him. But anyone who had lived a life like mine would have had no choice. It was a time when I couldn't trust the inexplicable kindness of others at all.”
Luise listened in silence without interrupting my story. I continued speaking in the solemn atmosphere.
“I was the daughter of a noble... and he was a Revolutionary Army officer. Naturally, I thought he would try to harm me. If not that, I thought he would treat my body carelessly, just as other men had. But Giles didn't. He never once harbored such a thought in his mind. He was a completely different person from anyone I had ever met. The fact that he brought me food, that he handed me a coat—it was simply because he wanted to make me even a little more comfortable. By doing so, he could find solace as well.”
As I told the story, I gradually sank into my own emotions. In a situation where Giles might die soon, and facing a reality where I wasn't sure when I could meet him again, speaking about what happened between us to an officer I was meeting for the first time caused emotion to leak into my voice unconsciously.
“Of course, I know he killed many people. And I know he is hated for it. But at the very least, he was the kindest person I have ever met. He didn't lust after my body, and he never hit me. Giles was the first to show me what pure goodwill was. That is why I love him. No matter what other people say, the fact that he cherished my well-being as much as his own and that we owed our lives to each other does not change.”
“...Are you aware that he killed his own sister?”
I had also read that story in the newspaper. Because Giles had not told me about Celeste, I couldn't discern what was true, and I had soon erased that article from my mind.
“Is that... true? Did Giles really kill Celeste?”
Luise nodded.
“Based on the circumstances, it is highly likely to be true. He had to prove his loyalty to the Revolutionary Army, and as evidence, he had to give up his sister. Of course, he wouldn't have told you this. It must have been his most terrible shame. Knowing this fact, can you still continue to love him?”
“I...”
About to retort, I paused for a moment to compose myself. If it were true that Giles killed Celeste. But such a fact was too far removed from the Giles I knew. It was like a story with a completely jumbled plot.
“I can't believe it. He didn't tell me many things, but I know that Giles loved his sister. There is something we don't know. I'm sure of it.”
“How can you be so sure, Miss Anna? He already has a track record of killing friends and acquaintances.”
“Giles loved his family. I can be certain of that much. He once told me stories from his childhood. Of course, they were stories where Celeste appeared. If he had truly killed Celeste, could he have told me those stories with that kind of face? I don't think so. One thing is certain. Giles became the flame of revolution and burned everything around him, but the reason he was able to avoid going mad was that he clung to the memories of the past until the end. That is why Giles was able to avoid turning into a completely different person.”
Upon hearing my words, Luise looked speechless. She seemed surprised, and also looked like someone whose secret had been discovered.
“...How does Miss Anna know that?”
“Giles told me himself. At first, he said he had thrown away all the events of the past from his mind. That he felt he would go mad if he held onto them. But later, he confessed to me that it was all a lie. While telling me about his memories in Beldam, he said he was afraid he would truly become a monster without them.”
“...”
Unlike at the beginning, Luise's complexion had now dimmed. There was no longer any sign of her trying to provoke or doubt me.
Come to think of it, I remembered one strange thing.
“Major, you have called me Anna since the moment we first met.”
“Yes. Isn't that your name?”
“Everyone I met in Beldam called me Eloise. Even though there was a name I clearly used publicly, no one ever called me Anna. Why didn't you call me Eloise?”
“I wonder.”
Having stepped out of her reverie, Luise's face softened slightly.
“Perhaps Anna has become more familiar to me than Eloise. Because Giles calls you Anna every time. There wasn't a single day he didn't say that name.”
“...After I changed my name, Giles didn't ask any questions and accepted my new name as it was. He asked nothing. I can still clearly hear his voice calling my name.”
To tell the truth, the name Anna Keating was something I had come up with on a whim. I wanted to avoid Giles's pursuit, and I couldn't keep using old names like Lily or Eloise.
I didn't know I would grow so fond of a new name. The name I chose for myself was soon like my identity and my free will. Having lived only as a tool during my childhood, I think I wanted to redefine myself.
And the moment I heard my real name in the voice of the first man I ever loved, I became certain that I would never discard this name for the rest of my life.
“Will Giles be able to survive?”
At my question, Luise shook her head without even hesitating.
“His fate is decided, and no one can change it.”
“I don't want him to die. I'll do anything if I can save him. Giles said he was able to continue living because of me. In that moment, I realized. While it is important for me to survive, saving another person is valuable in a different sense. I don't want to ruin one of the few good things I've been able to achieve in this short life.”
I had made the mistake of immersing myself too deeply in my own emotions. Luise watched me as I wiped away tears with a handkerchief and asked.
“Tell me, Anna. What kind of person is Giles?”
“...What do you mean?”
“What I truly wanted to ask was not about the feelings you have for Giles. Because both you and I likely already know the answer to that.”
Wiping the traces of tears from my face, I looked steadily at Luise. For some reason, I felt that she looked as sad as I did. It must be a delusion. There was no way a Major of the Beldam Army would feel such emotions because of Giles.
However, Luise posed a meaningful question to me.
“What I want to know is your perspective on Giles Hessen. How is he? Was he kind to you? Or did he know how to draw a line at times? Giles does not show many sides of himself in front of me. It's quite a predicament. Because I have to manage him without even knowing what's in his head, or even properly knowing what kind of person he is. But you would be able to answer. Because you are the only person who has seen Giles Hessen by his side.”
At that moment, I thought that Luise might not be someone who had never met Giles.
“I cannot affirm that Giles is a good person. Everyone's standards differ, and he has committed many sins. But Giles was the kindest person I have ever met. I can say that with confidence. He saved my life, and even while telling me he loved me, he asked for nothing in return.”
Without answering, Luise simply nodded slightly. Then she gave a faint smile.
“I see why Albert regarded you as so important.”
“Pardon?”
“He had the flaw of occasionally becoming violent, but he knew how to properly read a person.”
She looked at her wristwatch.
“It seems it is time for me to leave. I enjoyed the conversation, Miss Anna. Ah, and the refreshments you provided through the servant as well.”
I shook hands with Luise. With her military cap tucked under her arm, she walked away from me. I asked behind Luise's back.
“Can you help me?”
At that, Luise's footsteps stopped. It was difficult to read her expression. Instead of giving an answer, Luise disappeared beyond the door.
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