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And perhaps, the moment I completely shook off the pain and drowsiness, I might regret having spoken them so recklessly.
But not in the moment of confession.
“I like you.”
The sincerity I felt for Valentin—this feeling that surged more powerfully with every brief moment the words left my lips.
“I like you so much, Valentin…”
If this was an emotion I would never feel again, I didn't want to let it slip away, even if only for today.
You probably won't push me away. You'll hold me deeper, as if thanking me or as if those words alone are enough. Yes, just like now.
I felt Valentin's warmth deepen.
His embrace no longer held the chill of dawn. Surrounded by a body temperature as warm and peaceful as spring sunlight, our hearts pressed against one another. We embraced each other with our entire bodies. For the first time, the gap between him and me vanished completely.
Taking a long breath and finally letting it out, Valentin kissed my forehead.
“Yes, I know.”
“Do you know that I like you?”
“Yes.”
“This isn't a child's crush.”
“I know that as well.”
“Is that all?”
I opened my eyes and lifted my head to protest. The dim air filtering through the small window of the castle spread across Valentin's face. A shadowed gaze, contrasting with the blue light, told me:
“Do you require an answer from me?”
It was a cold counter-question.
If it had been me from a while ago, I might have found it heartbreaking. I might have thought this answer was a complete rejection, and that I was a loser swayed by foolish courage.
But I know now.
You like me.
I don't know if it carries the same weight as the love I have for him, but this man holds me in his heart.
I am not a fool without eyes or ears. Even if his inner thoughts remain hidden, if I listen to Valentin's expressions, his voice, and his words, I eventually become certain, no matter how long I wander. I do not know what makes him hesitate, but I cannot help but gain confidence.
You like me, Valentin.
Because if you didn't, you could never make a face like that, Valentin.
“Close your eyes and kiss me.”
I thought he would hesitate a little.
But it was all my misconception. Before the world could be submerged in darkness, his weight pressed down on me.
The first touch was the tip of the nose. A straight, not-at-all-soft bridge of a nose touched mine. Next was the breath. A breath that was neither explicit nor hot lingered close to me for a moment.
Despite wrapping his arm roughly around my neck and pulling me in as if grabbing me by the collar... in that moment, Valentin remained stiff, as if making one last stand of resistance.
The silence felt as long as eternity.
Finally, Valentin kissed me.
We remained still for a long time, our lips pressed together. He, who had been so skilled in handling women, held his breath like an inexperienced boy who didn't know what to do or how to do it. Then, slowly, a gap opened. Valentin's breath entered me. Because my eyes were closed, the sensation was felt all the more vividly.
A kiss was so different from a vague imagination.
It was harder to maintain breath than I thought, more staggering than I thought, and more confusing and sweet than I thought.
Occasionally, when I opened my eyes, I met beautiful blue-green jewels. The heat and greed felt in those eyes made my stomach feel tight and hot. Valentin wants me this desperately. This is a truth that could never be contained in a single word like "I love you." Otherwise...
“No.”
Despite my coaxing rejection, the hand sliding beneath my arm did not stop.
“Stop...”
While firmly gripping the hand I used to push him away, his hot lips gradually moved lower.
“Are you going to become my mistress like this, Valentin?”
When I finally called his name.
As if belatedly regaining his reason, a clear focus returned to Valentin's eyes.
He looked down at me silently. Though he didn't show it, I felt greatly relieved looking up at Valentin's face, which had become much calmer. It was because no regret or distrust over our shared breath could be seen on his coldly set face.
“...Mistress, you say.”
Instead, he wore a look of disbelief. Or rather, it was a face that found the idea unacceptable.
I raised my hand and stroked his disheveled silver hair. My eyes, which had been staring with intense emotion as if demanding an answer, slowly closed. The weight shifted to my palm. The sight of Valentin docilely surrendering himself to my touch gave me a great sense of satisfaction I had never felt before.
“You said you have a reason to propose to Oksana.”
Feigning ignorance, I stroked the corners of Valentin's eyes with a voice full of regret.
“So you'll be marrying before the year is out. And unless my plans are significantly disrupted, I'll be marrying Igor...”
“Igor.”
“Yes. But even so, I like you... if only you allow it, I want to give you my heart.”
“...”
“You promised to give your body to me too, Valentin. Didn't you?”
Valentin's chest heaved. With an expression as if he had something heavy to say, he wiped his face with his hand and moved away from me to sit on the edge of the bed. My heart trembled at his disheveled appearance, but I put all my effort into pretending otherwise.
“Igor Tolstoy will reject Your Highness. Do you not know that fact, despite not receiving a reply?”
“If that man doesn't take a liking to me, then it can't be helped. But love and marriage are different. How could the Tolstoy family dare to refuse an imperial decree?”
Valentin looked back at me.
His face was a firm denial, saying "No," but as expected, it was only on his face. The hand that slowly approached me tucked back my slipping collar.
“Valentin. I think my shoulder hurts again.”
He lifted me up with practiced ease. After carrying me to the sofa and sitting me down, his face remained as nonchalant as ever when he returned after lighting the fireplace. It was as if he had completely forgotten the conversation from a moment ago.
Is Valentin really unfazed? No way. I can see it now. Valentin isn't truly unfazed; he is pouring all his energy into appearing unfazed. It was a completely useless effort.
'What is with all your problems? You could just tell me to choose you.'
However, I couldn't bring myself to torment him further. Valentin's mind must already be cluttered and exhausted enough just with Libertan. Screaming "Tell me honestly that you love me! Admit it!" would be something even an immature brat would refrain from doing.
Valentin returned after lighting the lamp by the bedside.
Sitting there with his arm around my shoulder, he grabbed a handful of papers that had been piling up on the table at some point and began to skim through them quickly. I recall similar blueprints being piled up in Duchess Illyn's office.
'Could this be related to Libertan?'
He definitely said he would finish everything by this spring. That meant his goal was to behead Libertan by spring, and in other words, it meant the situation was somewhat overwhelming to resolve immediately.
If that overwhelming situation was related to the task of checking those complex blueprints one by one.
“Valentin, how many of those papers do you have to look through?”
I wondered if I could help him.
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