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LOS 4
Only after satisfying her long-standing hunger did Lily cautiously speak up.
“I must have looked pathetic, didn't I? I've barely eaten enough to stay alive all this time. I just couldn't control myself because it's been so long since I've had something delicious...”
“I will bring more next time.”
“Thank you so much. Truly.”
After repeating her gratitude several times, she finally asked.
“Why are you saving me?”
The reason he had come to help Lily was too complex to express in a single word. In the end, Giles gave a poor answer.
“Because I wanted to.”
“I wish I could give something back to you. As you can see, I'm such a wretched person that I feel like I'm only accumulating debt.”
“Do not think of it as a debt. Just stay alive. That is enough.”
“Still, I will definitely repay you next time. If I ever gain the ability to do so, I certainly will.”
But Lily was already repaying him. Giles was satisfied enough by the mere fact that she had survived and not died. He wanted to save Lily—to save Lily's music. If this was the last thing he could do after living a life filled with nothing but regret, he felt he would have no more lingering attachments.
“Would you like me to play the piano for you?”
“I told you, there is no need to repay me.”
“No, it's not a difficult task. I simply want to let you hear my playing. And you like my music... don't you?”
Lily sat before the piano and opened the lid. Perhaps worried that the keys might get dirty, she rubbed her hands clean on her stained clothes.
Soon, she pressed the keys. It was truly a marvelous thing. She, who had been nothing more than a survivor in the ruins, transformed into a completely different person the moment she sat at the piano. It was as if she were casting a spell.
Lily believed that since Giles had saved her life, she must repay him in return. Giles hoped she wouldn't feel that way. He hadn't done it expecting a reward. However, since he didn't dislike the idea of hearing her play, Giles did not bother to stop her.
Lily's performance revived old memories that he had shoved into the deepest darkness of his heart. The days when he wore fine clothes, ate fine food, and was treated with respect. Like other children of his age, Giles had received various liberal arts educations. Piano was among them.
Every note resembled the familiar noises of days to which he could never return. The clinking of silverware. The melody of the violin Celeste used to play. The conversations people exchanged while laughing and chatting at balls...
Giles, who was once a boy grown within that landscape, had ruthlessly crushed and trampled those days with his own hands.
If it's to survive, I must pay any price.
But in the end, what remained?
He believed he could evade death, but the blade aimed at his neck had not missed him. It was simply that the speed of the long detour he took was slower than others.
In the end, what was left...
Giles remembered the sight of the mansion burning black, engulfed in flames. It was the very mansion where he had spent his childhood. What emotions had he felt while watching the beloved home he had burned with his own hands? Sadness? Sorrow? Or perhaps guilt?
Before he could remember properly, Lily's voice woke him.
“Officer?”
Giles snapped back to his senses and looked at her. Lily had an awkward expression on her face. It seemed he had been lost in thought for too long.
“What were you thinking about?”
As Lily asked cautiously, her complexion looked uneasy. To clear any misunderstanding, Giles immediately softened his expression.
“It was nothing. I was just daydreaming for a moment. I'm sorry.”
He added belatedly. Lily kept her gaze lowered, looking only at her interlaced fingers.
“I was worried that you might not have liked my playing.”
“That's not it.”
“It's an important matter to me. Because playing is the only way I can express my gratitude. I don't know how to do anything else...”
“Lily, you don't need to feel so pressured. I just...”
“Besides, it's been a very long time since I've had an audience.”
Giles was momentarily speechless. Lily was smiling faintly. The smile that appeared on her face felt unfamiliar. She seemed like a different person from the woman who had looked up at him trembling in fear. For a fleeting moment, Giles saw the image of Eloise Bismarck from the portrait in her.
“Didn't you come back because you liked my playing?”
He couldn't say that was the only reason, but he couldn't deny it either, so Giles helplessly nodded.
“I may never stand on a stage again, but I'm glad I can let someone hear my playing. And that I can play again. Since it's been a while, there are many shortcomings, but...”
“Had you stopped playing the piano until now?”
“I thought someone might hear and report me. I had to live as quiet as a mouse. Because I wanted to live too.”
Giles opened his mouth, then closed it again. Countless words swirled inside. Me too. I wanted to live too. I wanted to survive more desperately than anyone. That's why I killed my friends and burned the house I lived in. I believed those things would save me.
“You will not die.”
Giles spoke. He did not want to end his life as a cowardly murderer. Even at the very end, he wanted to leave something of value in this world.
Lily was an opportunity that had come to Giles. Because he was a man who had not hesitated to put bullets into the heads of his compatriots or torture them by tearing their skin, he wanted to save Lily all the more.
He needed a new driving force. At the very least, he did not want to die while sitting still, waiting for fate to arrive like a condemned prisoner.
“Come to think of it, I haven't heard your name yet.”
“Could you tell me your name?” she asked.
Though the introduction was very late, Giles answered willingly.
“I am Giles Hessen.”
“Thank you, Mr. Hessen.”
“Just call me Giles. That's more comfortable for me too.”
“Giles.”
Lily rolled his name in her mouth a few times.
“It's a name that fits well in the mouth, so I like it.”
“I'm glad.”
“I'll introduce myself too. I'm Lily Belmore. It's a pleasure to meet you.”
“But your real name is...”
Lily let out a small laugh. Her cold hand playfully grasped Giles's hand and then let go.
“Don't you remember? Eloise died. A long time ago.”
Before she could say anything more, Giles grabbed Lily's hand again. It was cold. Had she pressed the chilled piano keys with hands like these?
“Why are your hands so cold?”
He took off the gloves he was wearing and put them on Lily's hands. They were leather gloves with a faux-fur lining. Lily couldn't say a word and simply blushed.
The weather was chilly, but Giles left the mansion without his coat or gloves.
Far from being cold, his body felt as light as if he were flying.
Even after that day, Giles often went to visit Lily. Deep within the abandoned mansion, while waiting for further instructions from the Executive Branch, Lily always appeared before Giles with the same consistency.
In the place where the fear and wariness that had consumed her during their first meeting had receded, there was a Lily who was like a cheerful and innocent girl. She would listen intently to what Giles said and often laugh. It had been a long time since he had shared a comfortable conversation with someone after parting forever with his sister.
Perhaps thanks to the food Giles brought, it was visible that Lily was gaining weight and her complexion was gradually returning. Giles liked seeing her become healthy. Lily was a woman saved by his hands. Lily, too, was grateful for that fact.
His life, which had been stained in blood, was being colored with another hue.
It was a beautiful experience. To the point where he almost forgot what kind of human he originally was.
Perhaps he could have forgotten forever.
“Something good happening lately?”
Harrington, Giles's superior, spoke casually. He sat with Giles before him, a cigarette in one hand and documents in the other.
“Your complexion has become much more relaxed.”
“That sounds like you're saying it wasn't like that before.”
“Do you not look in the mirror? Every time I saw you, I worried you'd return as a corpse the next day. You always looked like you were on the verge of death.”
“I believe it was because I was tired from work.”
“Or perhaps, you've finally let go of your lingering attachments. I've been thinking that lately. Peace tends to find those who empty their hearts. Almost like a reward. A person walking with a heavy load on their back cannot possibly see the wildflowers blooming by the roadside.”
Harrington stopped flipping through the file and looked at Giles. The cigarette in his right hand burned slowly, drawing an opaque arc in the air.
“Tell me, Hessen. What on earth have you been thinking about lately?”
“I am not sure what you mean.”
“I'm putting it nicely by saying your complexion has improved, but to be honest, it looks as if everything that used to fill you has completely vanished. Even looking at your eyes right now. There's nothing. Nothing you want to achieve, nothing you desire, no goals, no cravings—nothing. Now I'm worried you'll return as a corpse the next day for a different reason.”
“I am fine.”
Harrington decided to be blunt.
“Hessen. The fact that the leadership said they cannot protect you...”
“It's the same as saying they will cast me aside once everything is settled,” Giles answered immediately.
Harrington did not dare to lie.
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