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Pride is a luxury.
Standing before a door decorated with classic colonial-style panels, Jiyu took a deep breath to steady herself. She expanded her chest and inhaled deeply, as if preparing to dive into deep water.
Just as she felt she had finally broken the surface, she began to sink again. This time, she voluntarily let the strength leave her limbs and stopped struggling.
Endure it. Just think about surviving.
Jiyu repeated the tedious mantra that had sustained her for the past two years.
Her mouth was bone-dry, and she unconsciously licked her lips. Her cheap lip gloss smelled faintly of strawberries.
She had been wearing this same lip gloss when she first kissed Hunter.
That innocent, sweet scent left a bitter aftertaste as it slid down her throat. Something small and fragile, which she had fought so hard to protect in a corner of her heart, was burning to a crisp.
Becoming an adult was a cruel thing.
“Even shy kids like you get better when they grow up. Introverts get louder and lose their bashfulness as they age.”
That was something her mother used to say habitually, thinking she was giving her courage.
Her mother was wrong.
It wasn't that the shyness disappeared. And it certainly wasn't that people suddenly transformed into extroverts just because they became adults.
It was simply that when faced with extreme circumstances, one shoves the feeling of shame deep inside to survive, pretending to be brazen on the outside while trembling uncontrollably on the inside.
Hoping that one day, their senses would go numb and the self-loathing would fade.
Unfortunately, she had not yet reached that state.
Jiyu slowly raised her hand and knocked softly. Perhaps because the door was made of solid wood, even the sound of the knock seemed elegant.
‘Did I knock too softly? It’s not bedtime yet.’
She looked around anxiously, worried that someone might hear and wake up. It was nearly midnight. With all the main lights off and the wall sconces dimmed to their lowest setting, the end of the long hallway was as dark as a cave.
As she raised her hand to knock once more, familiar footsteps approached, and the door opened smoothly.
Deep blue eyes scanned her without a hint of surprise.
He seemed to have just finished showering. Half-naked, wearing only plaid lounge pants, Hunter brushed back the wet hair falling over his forehead.
Frowning slightly, he crossed his arms and leaned obliquely against the doorframe. Bright light poured out from behind him, casting a dark shadow across his face.
[Where is your mother?]
His voice was blunt, but Jiyu detected a sliver of concern within it.
Please don't be kind. I have to use you again.
[She's fine now. She was discharged this afternoon and went back to Brooklyn.]
Looking down at her as if hesitating, he let out a short sigh and stepped aside.
[Come in.]
It was a room where the living area and bedroom were separated by curtains instead of walls.
Because Hunter couldn't stand cramped spaces, the area had been created by merging three rooms at the end of the hallway. With exposed pipes on the ceiling, original red bricks, and roughly finished furniture, it had the feel of a trendy downtown loft.
[You said let's break up. You spoke as if we'd never see each other again.]
His characteristic direct way of speaking flew and pierced her like a sharp arrowhead.
Despite promising herself several times not to feel shame, her face flushed.
[Why are you here? Do you have more to say?]
He took a bottle of water from the refrigerator in the bar installed in a corner of the living room. With a crack—a sound that felt strangely cruel—he twisted the cap open and drained the bottle in one go without taking his eyes off her.
Unable to speak, Jiyu swallowed hard and squeezed her eyes shut before opening them again.
[I… I need money.]
Last summer, as soon as Hunter became an adult, he received a portion of the Hamilton family's primary assets through a trust fund. To an ordinary person, it was merely a long string of numbers, an amount difficult to grasp realistically.
Breaking the silence that felt as if it would last forever, he asked.
[How much?]
[One hundred thousand dollars.]
Surprise, suspicion, and then anger.
A complex mix of emotions flashed across Hunter's face as he stared at Jiyu.
Everyone said it was impossible to tell what he was thinking, but she read the emotions surfacing in his eyes more sensitively than anyone else. Having grown up gauging his moods since childhood, it was a sense she had acquired naturally.
[What do you plan to use it for?]
[…I have an urgent use for it.]
Jiyu's hands were shaking so violently that she clenched them into fists. There was nowhere left to retreat.
[If you're borrowing money from me, tell me the reason.]
His low, sunken voice was quite overbearing.
[I'm not asking to borrow it. Just… give it to me.]
[…What?]
Hunter let out a short, scoffing laugh. After glaring at her for a while with a look of disbelief, he spoke.
[Tell me in a way that makes sense why I should do that.]
[I won't be able to pay you back if you lend it to me. You know that too.]
[And?]
She swallowed hard.
[I'm not saying I won't pay you back at all. Instead of money, I'll give you… whatever you want.]
[And you think you know what I want? How bold.]
He sneered.
[Why wouldn't I? You know you want to sleep with me. You said a kiss isn't enough to win anymore. For the four years of college, I'll be your Jinx whenever you want.]
For a very long time, whenever Hunter participated in a tennis tournament, the winning Jinx he had begged her for was her kiss.
His eyes flashed like blue flames, and he stepped forward, looming over her oppressively. Jiyu barely managed to resist the urge to step back.
His jaw twitched, as if he were gritting his teeth. He glared at her with a fierce gaze, as if he wanted to strangle her.
[Do you realize what you're saying right now?]
She realized it better than anyone. However, unable to look him straight in the eye, she lowered her head.
Hunter grabbed her chin and lifted it to force eye contact. Then, he confirmed the fact using language that was cruelly explicit.
[Jiyu Parker. You just sold yourself to me for a hundred thousand dollars.]
She cast her gaze downward.
[Think whatever you want. This is the only way I can get that money right now. It's not like I….]
She quickly checked her tongue before her hidden truth could slip out.
She had finally decided to leave for California to start a new life, only to have the next four years of her life mortgaged to Hunter.
[Was a mere hundred thousand dollars your price? If you were something that could be bought with money, you should have told me sooner. I didn't even need to wait until I became an adult for that amount.]
Jiyu lifted her head and glared at him. But she couldn't offer any rebuttal to his words. In reality, she had sold herself for a hundred thousand dollars to an old friend and the son of her employer.
She silently bit her lip.
Hunter walked to the desk and roughly pulled out a drawer. He took out a checkbook, scribbled the numbers, signed it, and ripped it out with a sharp sound.
Holding the check between his index and middle fingers, he approached Jiyu. Then, looking down at her with cold blue eyes filled with contempt, he wore a thin, mocking smile.
[If I had known it wasn't your heart but your money that wasn't ready, I wouldn't have waited so foolishly. Take it.]
With trembling hands, Jiyu took the check from his fingers.
This is it.
Her ears burned and throbbed, and cold sweat ran down her spine.
Misery and relief intersected.
She was now an adult, and she was of an age to know that she must bear the consequences of her own decisions.
‘I'm so glad I don't love Hunter.’
Even now, it was so shameful, painful, and heartbreaking that if she had loved Hunter, she felt she would want to open that window and jump. It wasn't that she didn't feel such an impulse even at this moment.
‘Wouldn't it be better to just end it easily than to live like this….’
As she stared at the window, sinking into a suffocating abyss, Hunter's voice grabbed her by the hair and dragged her out of the water.
[Take it off.]
Frozen, Jiyu searched Hunter's expression.
She couldn't read any emotion from his indifferent, bored face.
[N-now? H-here?]
She stammered, her voice sounding as if she were being strangled. His parents and sister were sleeping on the same floor.
Hunter pointed to her hand.
[You've already taken the money. And the condition was ‘whenever I want’ for four years. Isn't that right?]
Only then did the reality of what she had done sink in. Now that she had accepted this money, she could not refuse whatever Hunter demanded.
With a loud sound, he yanked open the curtains. A California King-sized bed, occupying the center of the bedroom area which was one step higher than the living room, came into view. He flopped down on the edge of the bed and gestured with his head.
[What are you waiting for?]
Had Hunter ever made a face like that to me before?
The gaze that looked at her as if she were something insignificant made the bridge of her nose sting. With her head lowered, Jiyu walked toward the bed, repeating to herself:
‘Shame is also a luxury.’
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