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If I let him go just like this... it meant we might never meet again.
At dinner that evening, I asked about the whereabouts of the letter once more.
“Did any arrive for me?”
“None.”
I waited and waited, but in the end, no reply ever came to the last letter I had sent to Valentin.
In that moment, I realized it quite poignantly.
Valentin was the type of person who would never reach out first. If I wanted to maintain a connection with him, I had to be the one to reach out first, no matter what.
It was a strange thing. Facing the truth that I was the one who desired him more, I felt a sense of shame and humiliation I had never experienced before.
'Is this what they call contempt?'
Ivan would occasionally look at me and launch into a long lecture: 'Listen. Don't assume that everyone in the world will love and understand you. Being treated with consideration isn't a given. Just as you must love to understand love, rather than simply receiving it, you must personally show consideration to others to understand what it is.' Apparently, contempt was excluded from his examples. Because it felt like an emotion more clearly defined by what I felt within myself, rather than something given by another.
I know. I know full well that I cannot be loved by everyone in the world.
In fact, I had realized that obvious truth before I was even ten years old.
My uncle, Duke Libertan, hated me.
The first time I clearly recognized that fact was the year just before Duke Libertan went into seclusion.
It was the season when the curtains of the Imperial Palace were being replaced one by one with thick velvet to prepare for the approaching winter. While cradled in my father's arms, rambling on about 'why it wasn't my fault that Ivan's knee had been shattered while playing hide-and-seek, but rather a disaster brought upon himself by Ivan,' Duke Libertan had paid us a visit.
[I plan to hold a small banquet before the Council of 19 Nobles begins. If Your Majesty permits, I would like to host this banquet at the Imperial Palace in honor of both Your Majesties. What do you think?]
[An interesting proposal, but it will be difficult. I plan to stay in Chelyabinsk for about fifteen days longer this year, Libertan. Olga needs the rest.]
[Ah, is that so? I heard that Her Majesty the Empress has been particularly ill this winter. I hope she recovers soon.]
[As always, she will be as good as new once we go to Chelyabinsk, so do not worry. Just look after your own health. Is there any improvement in your right foot?]
At my father's question, Duke Libertan, who had been wearing a gentle smile the whole time, glanced down at his right foot. The smooth black cane beside him sparkled enough to make one's eyes ache, perhaps because it had been newly made recently.
[I am not sure. I have grown accustomed to it now... haha, but still, isn't it a blessing just to be alive? I narrowly escaped death by sacrificing an ankle, so this too must be the will of God.]
[You are a good-natured fellow.]
[That aside. If you plan to stay in Chelyabinsk for a long time... how about I look after Vasily and Ivan? Since you might be concerned about Vasily's lessons, it might be best to take only Ivan to the villa.]
My father, who had been drinking his wine in silence, touched my hair, which was tied up high, and asked back.
[What about Lara? The child has wanted to follow you since last year.]
[...Larisa, you mean?]
[Yes! Take me too, Uncle!]
I shouted, spreading my arms wide as if I had been waiting for this.
[I heard there's a huuuuge bear skin hanging at your house! That the teeth and claws are as big as my face! I want to see it too. Ivan brags about it every year.]
Upon hearing this, a flicker of hesitation crossed Duke Libertan's expression.
Even though I knew he was reluctant, my young self pretended not to notice and looked up at my father with pleading eyes. This was because I knew that no matter how much he hated me, he could not refuse my father's command.
[Tanya is as serious about her lessons as Vasily is, so I don't think I can let her leave the palace. Conversely, Lara has a temperament that prevents her from staying quietly inside the palace for more than three months. It would be best to take both Ivan and Lara.]
[...I have never looked after a girl before, brother. It is obvious that Larisa will be very uncomfortable if she follows me to the mansion.]
[Why are you talking about dividing them by gender when the child isn't even ten? In terms of personality, Lara is far more fierce and active than Ivan. If you put them together, they'll run around with each other and have no time to be bored.]
[Larisa... please give me some more time to prepare. She is a girl, after all. She is different from a boy. From next year, I will properly train the head maid and the butler so that I can look after Larisa and Tanya as well.]
[This is the last time, Anto.]
[....]
[I am talking about Ivan, not Lara. I'm sure you know what I mean. Since the children have grown quite a bit, they will be staying at the palace even in winter starting next year. Do not grow too attached.]
[...I see. I understand. That is a pity.]
[Huh? Then what about me? Can't I go to Uncle's house this year either?]
After I whined for a while, my father handed me over to Duke Libertan. As he did, he left a passing remark: 'She likes you this much, so at least take her for a walk around the castle.'
As always, Duke Libertan could not refuse my father's request, and for the first time since I was born, I walked along a path alone with my uncle. It was an uncomfortable and utterly boring walk, where not even a short exchange of pleasantries took place.
Around the time we crossed the bridge over the waterway, I demanded in a grumpy voice.
[Hold me.]
Only then did Duke Libertan turn his head to meet my eyes.
[Hold me, Uncle. I was told that when crossing this waterway, I must be held by a family member. Servants or other people are absolutely not allowed.]
Looking back, that demand seemed like an even more willful act of childishness than I am now. From my perspective, the reality of being hated by my uncle—someone who was practically family—was simply unacceptable (and it still is).
[In that case, I cannot.]
[Huh? Why?]
[Because I, Anto, am not your family.]
I tilted my head with a bewildered face.
[Not family? Uncle Anto, you're Father's brother. You became Duke Libertan because you're his brother, so you are my family. I learned that from Mother.]
[No, Your Highness. You were taught incorrectly. I am neither your family nor the Duke of Libertan. It is a pity that I cannot cross while holding Your Highness.]
[But yesterday, Ivan held me here!]
Duke Libertan paused for a moment, and for the first time in front of me, he wore a gentle smile.
[My, you must have had a dream. I have never even held Prince Ivan.]
[It wasn't a dream!]
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