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LOS 47
Thanks to Giles's visit, I had the chance to ride in his car for the first time in a while. Climbing into the passenger seat of the pitch-black sedan, I gazed at the scenery outside the window while he drove. After a bit of small talk, the sunlight had already begun to turn a reddish hue.
“You know, back when I lived only inside the mansion, I read articles about wars and revolutions and thought the world outside was completely ruined. At least, those were the only kinds of photos in the newspapers. Cities turned into ruins.”
“Ipswin is relatively well-off. At least it wasn't one of the major battlegrounds. The photos you saw were likely taken from other participating nations.”
“Did Beldam become like that?”
Giles didn't answer for a moment. I realized belatedly that my sudden remark might have upset him, so I apologized.
“Sorry.”
“......There's no need to apologize. I'm not a citizen of Beldam anymore anyway.”
Finding it difficult to judge whether he was truly alright, I cautiously watched his expression.
“Um, can I ask you one thing?”
Giles gave a short nod. Because he was driving, his gaze remained fixed forward. All I could see was his sharp profile.
“So, you said you originally lived in Beldam before coming here. How old were you when you moved to Ipswin? I was born in Ipswin and have never left this land. I'm technically a citizen of Beldam too, but... I just can't imagine what Beldam is actually like.”
I thought he might be reluctant to talk about it, but contrary to my expectations, Giles answered readily.
“I moved here with my family when I was around six. It was my father's decision. We didn't move the entire family estate, but somehow we ended up settling here for quite a long time.”
“Do you remember what Beldam was like? Just, like, the image of Beldam you remember.”
At that moment, I realized I had made a mistake. He had told me he had forgotten almost everything from his childhood. However, Giles answered before I could even try to take the words back.
“We lived in a townhouse built in the capital. It was a three-story house with warm brown exterior walls and a dark green roof. You could go all the way to the top floor by climbing the stairs, and I loved going to the very top. Sliding down the railings was incredibly fun.”
“......Did your family not dislike that?”
“Of course, I got scolded if I was caught. But Celeste defended me every time, so I never got into too much trouble.”
Celeste must have been his sister's name. I had heard about her briefly at the dress salon. Not wanting to interrupt him, I simply nodded.
“Beldam isn't that different from Ipswin. After all, they are neighboring countries. But... I do remember that the capital was a truly vibrant city. My room was positioned with a wide-open view outside the window. When I opened the window, I could see countless buildings and people at a glance. The rows of houses looked like a sea of red, and when the great bell rang from the cathedral standing tall in the center of the city, the sound reached my ears clearly. Whenever I heard that sound, I would play hide-and-seek with Celeste until the ringing stopped.”
“Your sister, right?”
“That's right.”
“Where is this Celeste person now? Did she go back to Beldam?”
Giles's expression, which had been softened by a moment of nostalgic reminiscence, darkened once again. All traces of the past vanished completely. He seemed to hesitate, unsure of how to put it into words.
After a silence that felt both long and short, he answered briefly.
“I don't know where she went.”
“Were you separated?”
“......You could say that.”
“I heard from Madame Mendel. About your sister. She said she was a bright and positive person. Someone who spread sunshine-like energy around her... and that she truly loved you as her brother.”
Giles didn't answer. He became noticeably silent. I assumed his silence was simply because he was focusing on driving.
“You'll get news of her someday. Right, Giles?”
“No. I don't think that will happen.”
Puzzled, I turned my head toward him. For some reason, his expression was difficult to read.
“I think Celeste... has gone to a very far place.”
“Do you mean she went abroad?”
“Further than that.”
Before I knew it, the car had arrived in front of the apartment complex where I live. Having come to a complete stop, he sat motionless in the driver's seat, staring intently at the steering wheel. He looked so unwell that I couldn't bring myself to leave him and get out of the car.
“Are you okay?”
Giles forced a smile. But perhaps it was just my imagination, but his smile looked somehow miserable.
“There's nothing to worry about.”
“I wish I could show you exactly how your face looks to me right now. Tell me, what's the problem. Did I make you bring up something you didn't want to?”
“No. It's not your fault at all.”
“Tell me, Giles.”
I spoke while taking his right hand. He looked surprised. Perhaps sensing that I had no intention of letting this slide, he spoke with difficulty. Crossing the mountains in his heart once, then twice, Giles spoke in a voice that sounded stifled.
“Anna, actually, I lied to you. I told you I had forgotten everything about the past. That I had erased it all from my mind because holding onto it felt like it would drive me mad... That wasn't true. I remember everything. The happy moments, the moments I want to forget... all of it. That's why I could talk about it so casually just now. Because there wasn't a single thing I had forgotten.”
“Then... if you remembered all of it....”
I know what Giles has done. He joined the revolution to survive. And he did what he had to do as a member of the Revolutionary Army. Arresting and executing the people of Beldam.
It was an act of smashing the identity that once formed him, equivalent to cutting off the path back to his past with his own hands.
“......Were you alright?”
“No. I wasn't. I was afraid to fall asleep every night. I was terrified that the good times would appear in my dreams. After having such dreams, I wasn't sure if I'd have the confidence to wake up the next day and interrogate or harm people. It was entirely possible that I would have to personally torture someone who had appeared in my dream. It's as I said before. Clinging to old memories pushed me to the brink of madness. But I simply couldn't let go of those memories. I felt that if I lost even those, I would become something other than Giles Hessen.”
He was struggling desperately to keep his suppressed emotions from bursting out. I suddenly realized that Giles was gripping my hand tightly. Tight enough to leave a mark.
“I never forgot once. I only tried not to recall them. I had to focus on something else. Something that could make me forget both reality and the past for a while... I had to do that to keep from losing my mind.”
“Then what did you focus on to endure it?”
Giles didn't answer. Instead, he turned his head to look at me. In that moment, I realized I had asked a truly foolish question. The object of his focus was me.
Giles certainly looked neat and tidy, but at the same time, he looked like a man who had been completely broken. His face showed it. I almost wished he would just cry.
“The only reason I could survive intact was because of you. After meeting you, I was able to forget everything, if only for a brief moment. When I looked at you, when I thought of you, I could be liberated from everything I had to endure in those moments. That's why I chased after you like a madman when you disappeared. Because I needed you. Because you were the only one who could save me.”
I couldn't say a word. I knew he had been sincere with me from the beginning, but...
Giles fished out the sincere words that had been hidden in the deepest depths of his inner self. Words that had drifted in the deep sea where no sunlight ever reached, unable to be conveyed for a long time, possessed a special resonance that no one else could imitate.
“Anna. Loving you was the act of saving myself. That's why there wasn't a single moment I didn't love you. Loving you was the same as surviving. Because I couldn't even guarantee what would happen to me if you weren't there....”
“Giles.”
“When I realized that you saved me, yet I had made you terribly afraid... I don't know how to put the emotion I felt into words. Of course, I wanted to be with you, but if you didn't want that, it would have been right for me to step back. I have already harmed so many people. I don't want to harm you too.”
He looked at me as if he had braced himself for something. As if he were prepared to handle whatever answer came from me.
“Anna, do I still make you afraid?”
“What do you mean by that?”
“If I still make you feel that way, even a little....”
“I don't. Not anymore. So don't worry about that. In the first place, the reason I feared you was because I misunderstood you.”
“You know what I've done.”
“Giles Hessen! Get a grip.”
I leaned toward him and grabbed his shoulders with both hands. He was truly possessed by useless thoughts. They were illusions that were clearly harming him. I had to drive them out of Giles's head.
“I don't care what you've done. There is only one answer I want to hear. Have you ever once thought about wanting to hurt me? Are you meeting me for some other purpose?”
“Never.”
“Then that's enough for me. You don't need to think about anything else. So stop thinking useless thoughts. The person in front of me right now isn't a Revolutionary Army officer, but you. And the person I love is also....”
In that moment, as my eyes met Giles's, I momentarily lost my words. He and I were very close. Giles's black pupils were focused on me. It was a color steeped in loneliness.
“Anna, do you love me?”
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