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LOS 26
5.
The Orient Express
I did not love people easily. I did not grant trust easily, and in the first place, I rarely thought that someone could ever truly become "my person."
During the time I barely survived at the mansion, I became accustomed to the habit of distrusting others. I learned that giving one's heart away too freely only led to an equal amount of pain.
Until then, I had been someone who could at best elicit pity; I had never once been granted the qualification to receive equal love.
Since I also viewed others as tools to be used, I believed that others would want to use me in the same way if given the chance.
And I was not mistaken.
For a brief moment, I thought that Albert, at least, might be entirely on my side. That he cooked for me, that he listened intently to my stories... I believed such things stemmed from genuine affection.
But I was used again. To say he had no intention of harming me was absurd. He had already harmed me in a different way. At the very least, he should not have looked at me with those eyes.
I wanted a cigarette. I felt I needed to smoke one before meeting Giles. So, I stepped out into the smoking car.
Someone had left the window slightly open, allowing the cool outside air to circulate. I took a pack of cigarettes from my pocket and put one in my mouth. However, for some reason, the lighter was acting up today. It just clicked and sparked without catching fire.
With the cigarette still in my mouth, I cursed. Even this tiny lighter seemed determined to ruin my mood.
It was then. Someone held out a flame to me. Without even checking who it was, I first lit my cigarette. As I took a drag, my mind settled and my body relaxed.
The other person withdrew the lighter. He was wearing a plain suit.
“Hello, Anna.”
I recognized the owner of that voice. It was Giles Hessen. This was the first time I had seen him not in military uniform. Stripped of the rigid, disciplined uniform, he looked far more approachable to an observer.
My body stiffened out of habit, but it didn't last long. In this train, at least, there was no reason to fear him. I looked at him straight on. Black hair, black eyes. I, too, once had black hair like him.
Because I had rarely spoken to him with my real voice rather than a facade, I hesitated, not knowing what to say.
I took another drag of the cigarette. Giles waited for me calmly amidst the thick smoke. It felt strange to face the man I had only encountered in my nightmares in such silence. At least in my dreams, he hadn't been this calm.
“...Why are you on board?”
In the end, I blurted out a terrible first sentence. I was appalled at myself that these were the words I had for him after so long.
But I couldn't stop. I had to ask.
“Why did you follow me all the way here?”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m not being sarcastic; I’m genuinely curious. Why are you going this far? It’s already been over three months since I left the mansion. But you never gave up. You chased after me. And eventually, we meet here. What is it that you want from me? Do you really... me...”
It took a certain amount of courage to say the next words.
“Do you... do you want to punish me?”
I was flustered. Why was I stuttering? When the word 'punish' left my lips, my fingertips even trembled slightly. That shouldn't be happening.
I was fine when Johann Meier tried to rape me. I was fine when I was curled up, trapped beneath the floorboards, and when I was beaten.
Then why was I shaken?
I took another drag of the cigarette. But this time, it didn't calm me down easily.
Meanwhile, Giles, who had been listening in silence, spoke.
“Why would I do such a thing to you?”
“I ran away. Without telling you.”
“You did.”
“So you must be angry. You must think I was insolent. After you showed me such great kindness, I disappeared suddenly without properly repaying you. You must have thought that. Right? It's okay to tell the truth. I already know.”
“Anna.”
I, who had been pouring out words indiscriminately, suddenly fell silent. He leaned in slightly, placing a hand on my shoulder. I could see his face more closely.
“Anna, calm down. Are you really alright?”
I had no time to answer. I quickly shook off his hand and stepped back. It was a reflexive action.
Giles looked at me as if he couldn't understand. As if he couldn't even accept the simple fact that I feared him.
With a worried expression, he asked me calmly.
“Tell me what has happened during this time.”
“Tell you what?”
“Tell me what makes you so afraid. If it's something I can help with...”
Could it be that he doesn't know? The fact that he is the source of the fear? That he was the culprit behind every problem from the start, and that I had to tremble in nightmares for months because of him?
While I was struggling against the concrete horror that was Giles Hessen, was he truly oblivious to everything?
I was aghast. Surely. Such a reality couldn't exist. But he truly looked as if he knew nothing. The face facing me told me so. He wasn't mocking me. It might have been better if he were.
But he was sincere.
Ha! I was so bewildered that I almost laughed. Of course, I didn't actually burst out laughing. My heart was pounding as if it would collapse instantly, and dizziness struck so hard that blood seemed to rush to my head, making it difficult to see straight.
“You don't know? Why I ran away?”
“...I am sorry.”
“What are you sorry for...?”
Now I was trembling with rage. Rage is a very deep and cold emotion. It is like a hot flame, yet its temperature is ambiguous. The emotion dominating me now was something entirely different. A tsunami rose, sufficient to completely swallow my fear of him.
I glared at him. The cigarette would no longer serve its purpose. Despite torturing me every single night, despite making me beg for a way out, for just one day of freedom from the terror of him... he had been alone, knowing nothing.
I didn't know what else to say. It felt as if any words would lose their meaning. Like a baby's babble.
“Anna.”
Unable to endure this situation any longer, which felt as if it were tightening around my throat, I bolted out of the smoking room. The cigarette smoke made me nauseous and it was hard to breathe.
Even after leaving the smoking room, the symptoms did not vanish quickly. Where was my cabin? Like a madwoman, I pushed and collided with people, heading toward the cabin Albert had told me about in advance.
Without even checking what the cabin looked like, I stepped inside and slammed the sliding door shut.
Fortunately, there was a window in the cabin. I overturned the table, broke a vase, and urgently pushed the window open. I leaned my head out the window and gasped for air, like someone who had barely escaped the water just before suffocating.
As I breathed in the fresh air, I had the illusion that my mind was clearing. At least the nausea that felt like I was about to vomit disappeared.
Suddenly, the thought occurred to me that I couldn't just run away from him like this. This can't be it! He has to know. I cannot let him remain ignorant of who caused me such suffering!
I stepped out of the cabin. When I opened the door, he was right there. Giles Hessen had followed me again. He really doesn't get tired of this. Half-out of my mind, I grabbed his arm and dragged him into the cabin.
Then, I grabbed whatever object was within reach and hit him with all my might. I hoped Giles would feel pain, but I didn't even have the presence of mind to observe his reaction. Only after I had beaten him mercilessly until I was satisfied did I stop and scream.
“It makes no sense that you don't know! Rather, you should be the one who knows best. Everything I had to go through was ultimately because of you, so how can you tell me you don't know?”
“Anna, I—”
“Giles Hessen. Tell me. Did you really not know why I had to flee the mansion? Tell me the truth.”
“I...”
Giles—though he had already been thoroughly beaten—had an expression as if he had been struck in the head. His lips quivered. With a pale face, unable to utter the words swirling in his mouth, he asked.
“Was it... me who made you afraid?”
It seemed he had finally realized. Not only the fact that I feared him, but that the reason I had to flee the mansion and wander from place to place was because of him.
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