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LOS 28
Eventually, I spoke first.
“You still haven't answered my question.”
“.......”
“I asked why you got on this train.”
“......Because I was concerned for your safety.”
“You know we're leaving the lands of Ipswin, right?”
“I know.”
“Giles. I heard you have many enemies. That the moment you leave Ipswin, you're exposed to danger.”
“Yes. That is all true.”
“That's why I don't understand why you'd board a train heading abroad without hesitation.”
I meant it. It wasn't that I was worried he might come to harm, but I wanted to know what on earth he was thinking. Because if it had been me, I would never have made such a decision. To put one's own life on the line for the sake of another person.
“Did you want to chase me so badly that you'd drive yourself into danger? Were you really unable to give up on me?”
“......Since you seem to want the truth, I'll tell you. Yes. It is exactly as you think.”
I closed my eyes. Facing the man sitting before me wasn't as frightening as it used to be. Now, I could ask for help at any time. Everyone on this train was on my side. Therefore, I no longer needed to be afraid.
I was simply sick of it. I was sick of him. I truly wanted to excise him from my life, but he had no intention of backing down.
“Why...... why me, of all people?”
I asked, my words sounding like I was chewing through them. Giles didn't answer.
“What is it that makes it impossible for you to give up on me? Or did you receive orders to arrest me? That would make sense too. I'm still your enemy, aren't I?”
“That will not happen. Because I won't just stand by and watch.”
“Stop with the sweet talk and tell me what's actually going on in your head!”
Unable to endure it any longer, I slammed my fist onto the table. A heavy silence pressed down on me. Giles, looking at me, seemed somehow sad. Even that expression was hateful. It felt like everything was a facade, a lie.
Albert might have expected something entirely different from me, but I couldn't do what he expected anyway. The most I could do was talk to Giles, and I... truly wanted to know his inner thoughts.
“Anna.”
“You don't have to hide anything anymore. I—I'm ready to accept it. You didn't need to deceive me from the start. Why bother? I'm just a powerless fugitive anyway. Just say it. Just say whatever you've been thinking.”
“Anna, you seem to....”
Giles's voice was cold and calm, as always. But I could glimpse the wavering emotions within his eyes.
“You seem to find it difficult to accept the fact that I harbor no ill will toward you.”
What did that mean? For a moment, I couldn't understand his words. He's lying. I was certain of it. Every man I'd met so far had been like that. Yet Giles was speaking as if I were the one unable to accept the truth as it was.
“If it's not ill will, then what is it?”
“......What do you mean?”
“You've been chasing me for months. If that's not because of ill will, then what is it?”
“It is not because I hold a grudge against you. As I've said before... I thought you were in other dangers. That's why I tracked your movements and investigated the people around you. I wanted you to be safe.”
“Why would you worry about my safety? What am I to you!”
“I don't know how you feel, but to me, you are the only person I never want to see get hurt.”
Unable to understand Giles at all, I stopped talking for a moment and just stared at him.
“What have I ever done for you? I was nothing more than a woman hiding in an abandoned mansion. I've done nothing for you. Yes, I played along with your whims. But that was an act. Lily Belmore never existed in the first place. If you're still expecting that from me, give it up now. I'm not that kind of person at all.”
“It doesn't matter what kind of person you are.”
“Then why on earth do you want me?”
Giles's lips parted as if to say something. For a brief moment, I focused on him. I felt that he was finally about to tell the truth.
For some reason, the corners of his eyes looked redder than before. Giles, who had struggled to open his mouth, spoke in a slightly trembling voice.
“Because... I saved you. For that fact alone, you are the only one for me. Because you make me forget what kind of person I originally was. When I looked at your face, I could escape the reality surrounding me, if only for a moment. Because you... were the only right choice I ever made.”
His expression looked so sad and miserable that for a split second, I hallucinated that he was crying. But he wasn't. There wasn't a single trace of a tear.
Giles continued.
“But it seems it wasn't at all the same for you. You said that while I was lost in a peaceful delusion, you were gripped by fear of me. We were certainly in the same place together, but it was as if we were in completely different worlds.”
I listened to him in silence. At some point, he began to feel infinitely unfamiliar. The man before me was certainly Giles Hessen. The Giles Hessen I knew. But at the same time, he seemed like a completely different person.
As if he were someone I had met for the first time today, everything—including his features—felt foreign.
“I am sorry. I was selfish. I was too busy looking after my own well-being. Because of that, I committed a great wrong against you. To only realize that now... I am truly sorry.”
I said nothing. I didn't accept his apology, but I didn't mock him by saying he was lying either. For a moment, my mind went blank.
No one could lie in this manner. Then, was this Giles's true intention, the truth I had wanted, from the very beginning?
That he had never held a grudge against me, nor had he ever harbored despicable desires? That he had come to cherish me simply because he had let me live?
He was right. I had no immunity to such things. The act of someone showing pure goodwill toward me and not tainting that feeling until the end. I had never experienced such a thing. That's why it was still hard to accept.
He wanted me to be safe?
Was that... really all?
“......How can you treat me like that? I'm the daughter of a noble, and you're a revolutionary officer. You shouldn't have saved me in the first place. Even now, you shouldn't want me to be safe.”
“I have already harmed too many people. I didn't save you because you were special. It was just that I was too exhausted at the time, and I didn't want to take you away. I thought arresting you was a meaningless act.”
“Is that it?”
He had said everything. There was nothing left for him to reveal to me. I thought to myself: a man who does not want me to die. A man who wants me to live, and to be safe at that.... He asked for nothing in return.
It was simply that the life I had survived by a sudden impulse had become so precious to him that he was anxious lest the spark he had saved be extinguished.
Because once even a meager light vanishes, one is left alone in the pitch black.
My head understood his words, but I still couldn't accept Giles. As I always had, I did not love people easily. If I gave my heart away recklessly, I would only be hurt that much more.
It wasn't that I didn't believe him, but rather that I was afraid to believe him. Since childhood, I had rarely trusted anyone sincerely. Because I had experienced firsthand what happens when trust is given too hastily.
If I trust Giles, what happens next?
Even Albert, who had spoken such tender words and shown me kindness, had ultimately approached me to use me. Then what about Giles?
I didn't want to be disappointed anymore. If I didn't give my heart, there would be nothing to be disappointed by. Just as he had been, I was exhausted enough.
So, I stood up from my seat. Giles didn't stop me as I left. He simply let me go.
A short conversation with him was all, but I was so tired. Right now, I didn't want to think about anything. I needed to clear my head.
Similarly not wanting to meet anyone, I returned to my cabin in search of silence.
I sat alone in the room, playing the piano. This was my favorite piece. I liked the lyrical melody, but playing this song allowed me to easily calm my mind.
In fact, most pieces were like that. As I focused on the slowly progressing music, I gradually sank into that world, and there was no need to think of other distracting thoughts. Only I and the music remained.
While I was spending time with the piano, pressing the keys, a familiar voice suddenly struck my ears.
“Eloise! Where the hell did this wench go again!”
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